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MAGAZINES |
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Air Canada enRoute,
December, 2004
Naughty or Nice? |
James Martin |
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A SANTA CLAUS SCHOOL RUN BY EX-ARMY AND EMERGENCY
TRAINING PRO VICTOR NEVADA GIVES WOULD-BE KRINGLES AN ....EDGE
The scene looks like a warped version of the Edward
Hopper-inspired rendition of Bogie and Marilyn
Hopper-inspired
rendition of Bogie and Marilyn hunkered down in a diner: Santa Claus
sits in a downtown Calgary bar, absently twirling an unlit smoke while
nursing a pint. A candy-striped walking stick lies across the table.
There's a twinkle in his eye and tobacco stains on his moustache.
This man isn't really Santa. He just plays
him on TV - and at corporate parties, golf-course openings and Hong
Kong shopping malls.
"The problem with Santa these days," says
Victor Nevada, "is that he's really blah. He's milquetoast; there's no
edge. A lot of people are very protective of the Santa image, and it's
made him boring."
Nevada, Canada's Top Santa, founder of the
Santa school and author of the 300 page opus All About Being Santa:
The Manual of Bringing Joy, wants to reform Santa Claus. He first
donned the red suit in 1983 as an offbeat way to boost his real-estate
business. As his January and February commissions consistently showed,
clients loved the Santa act. The rub? Nevada's schtick "was popular
but godawful."
So he honed his chops, steeping himself in
Santa lore and ditching real estate to start the school in 1997. As
Santa Victor, he commands top dollar from mall Santas and corporate
Kringles (mostly American) seeking instruction in everything from ho
hos ("It's the first thing Santa's compare when they meet") to lawsuit
protection to the detailed mechanics of a successful appearance.
Nevada also manages an elite stable of five nation-wide rent-a-Santa's.
Like the boss, they all sort genuine beards; fake fuzz fools only
parade-goers and toddlers.
Then there are Nevada's own turns as
Father Christmas. Whether playing Cowboy Santa during the Calgary
Stampede or wearing a $3,000 circa-1810 military-style costume to an
office party, Nevada tailors his Santa to each audience, young or old.
"Santas for everybody, whether they're
eight or 88, drunk or sober," he says. "But if you play him the same
way for adults as for children, you're going to get hissed off the
stage." So Nevada gives the people what they want. He'll even "work
blue," leading an audience through a suspiciously familiar tune called
"Ambrose the Antelope." ("Ambrose with your ass so bright/Won't you be
my backup light?")
Though Santa Victor can turn on a
grandfatherly routine that would rot Norman Rockwell's molars, Victor
Nevada isn't some treacly space case. He's ex-Army ("two years in the
Signal Corps") and a hard-nosed businessman ("Santa always gets paid up
front"). He can also rappel down the side of a flaming skyscraper,
which just might explain why he's such a damn good Santa.
In between realtor and school teacher
gigs, Nevada ran All-Hands Emergency Training (motto: "At no times do
our fingers leave our hands"), offering instruction in surviving
offshore industrial disasters, dealing with hazardous materials spills
and, yes, escaping towering infernos.
"The three Bs of an emergency are beer,
beach chair, and babes," says Nevada, who winters in Mexico after the
holiday season. "Don't rush in. Sit down. Assess every situation for
what it is."
What's more dangerous: fleeing a blazing
oil refinery or being Santa in a room full of sugared-up six-year
olds? Nevada isn't certain but says the keys to surviving both are the
same" "Expect the unexpected, pre-think situations that could arise and
think of your response to those situations."
Back to the "babes": Here's the most
important Santa lesson of all. He may let himself into stranger's
homes. He may engage in covert surveilance and harshly binary
naughty/nice value judgments. But Santa Claus is, above all, a
gentleman.
"Even though he looks like a beached
walrus," admits the confirmed bachelor, "Santa has groupies, but he
doesn't kiss and tell."
Then Santa Claus laughs. And it sure ain't
no ho ho.
|
Avenue Magazine,
December, 2004 |
Naughty
Santa
Victor Nevada is a full-time Santa Claus who takes his
light-hearted job very seriously
By Bruce Weir
Victor Nevada, a self-described hippie, drives a late-model
burgundy Cutlass Brougham that has seen better days. Some of the
vents are cracked, the dashboard is sun-bleached, and the knob
used to adjust the driver’s-side mirror is missing. When he
corners too sharply, the detritus on the car’s floor—an old yo-yo,
a dead laptop, a bottle of mouthwash, and an ashtray—produces a
low rumbling sound as it slides. But if you listen carefully,
above these bass notes you can hear the clean sounds of sleigh
bells, buried somewhere beneath the garbage.
As far as he knows, Nevada, 61, is Canada’s only full-time Santa
Claus; besides his seasonal duties he works throughout the year at
golf tournaments, car dealership openings, and, as Cowboy Santa,
at Stampede parties. Nevada has also done print ads and television
commercials, but his Santa Victor bears about as much resemblance
to the standard image of Santa Claus as his car does to a flying
red sleigh.
“That Walt Disney caricature of Santa—that guy’s pretty
milquetoast. He’s not a whole hell of a lot of fun,” Nevada says.
“I prefer to play Claus with a little bit of an edge.” This year,
that means wearing the familiar vest and robe but adding a tricorn
hat, buckled shoes instead of boots, and argyle socks that he paid
a Hutterite woman $70 to knit. Nevada also brings an actor’s
dedication to his portrayal: developing his character, rehearsing,
and scripting his responses to typical questions. And while he
often works with children, he prefers playing adult crowds where
he can use his edgier material.
Last year, that material included a standup routine called The
Secret Life of Santa in which it was revealed that the jolly old
elf was a member of the Hell’s Angels who was suspected of
smuggling cocaine out of Colombia. Nevada will often gauge the
mood of his adult audiences by opening with a song called Ambrose
the Amber-Assed Antelope. Sung to the tune of Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer, the song concludes with the lines: “Then one
foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say / Ambrose with your ass so
bright won’t you be my backup light?
“How they sing and participate generally determines how the rest
of the show goes,” Nevada says, while stressing the importance of
knowing your audience. “If I see people are uncomfortable, I pull
back. I’m not there to embarrass people. My function is to uplift
everybody, give them a higher sense of self-esteem, rev up the
function, because a lot of times you walk into these venues and, I
swear to God, it’s like a morgue.”
Nevada got his start as Santa Claus in Victoria where he was
working as a real estate agent (“flogging houses” is his preferred
terminology) in the mid-1980s. The holidays are generally a slow
time for real estate agents, so he decided to dress up as Santa
and visit the children of clients.
He bought the best suit he could afford, a fake beard and, with no
children of his own to practise on, rehearsed his ho-hos in front
of the mirror. Then he set out to entertain. “Like everyone who
has never done it professionally, I thought it was easy,” he says.
At his first stop, the kids asked, “What are you trying to pull
Victor? You’re not the real Santa.” When he discovered they had
recognized his car in the driveway, Nevada formulated his first
rule of being Santa: Park around the corner.
In the following years, he developed a great many more rules and
even compiled them into a book called All About Being Santa, which
he wrote one off-season in Mazatlan (he heads for the sun right
after the holidays). The book is subtitled The Manual of Bringing
Joy and sells for $95 (US) on Nevada’s website (www.santaschool.com).
With laudatory blurbs by the likes of Santa Robert, Santa Harry
and Santa Doug, the manual serves as the textbook for the annual
weekend course which sees aspiring Santas come to Calgary to learn
voice, movement and character development from Nevada. The course
and book cover topics such as how to take a good picture, what
types of insurance Santa should carry, what to charge (Nevada
commands up to $500 an hour), beard maintenance (a smoker, Nevada
bleaches his to ensure that it remains snow white), and how to
deal with scared children.
Nevada also stresses the importance of having responses ready for
common questions like, “Are you the real Santa?” and “Is there a
bathroom in your sleigh?” (The answers: “Are you the real you? If
you’re the real you, then I’m the real me,” and, “No, that’s why I
have to visit so many houses on Christmas Eve.”)
It’s the responses to the unexpected questions, however, that
separate the great Santas from the merely good. One day, Nevada
answered his phone—”Hello, Santa School”—and found himself talking
to a young girl. “She asked if I was the real Santa, and I said I
was,” Nevada recalls. “So she said ‘If you’re the real Santa, what
colour are the walls in my basement?’ Well, being a Realtor, I had
a pretty good idea what they are—I’ve been in enough basements
over the years—so I said, ‘Well, you know, it seems to me that the
walls are off-white and, if I’m not mistaken, there’s a television
set in the corner.’ She just freaked out.”
|
Maisonneuve,
December, 2004 |
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GOOD SANTA
The secret life of Father Christmas
BY AMY STEELE
The film Bad Santa must have given pause to
Santa's everywhere last Christmas. Willie, the world's worst Saint Nick
(Played by Billy Bob Thornton) was consistently drunk, swore at children
and wasn't averse to pissing himself. Willie wasn't a Santa at all, in
fact, but a troubled con man. The red jacket and white beard were just a
means to his real end: cracking safes and making off with a department
store safe.
Now meet Good Santa. Nineteen years ago, Victor Nevada
started playing Kris Kringle in order to bolster his Calgary real estate
business; in 1987, he turned it into a full-time career. With authentic
heft and facial hair, and lavish costumes he designs himself, Nevada
makes up to $500 CDN an hour. (Some of his jolly counterparts across the
border pull in an amazing $80,000 US in a single Christmas season.)
Nevada is also the author of All About Being Santa: The Manual of
Bringing Joy, a $95 UIS tome that outlines everything you need
to know to be the perfect Father Christmas.
Becoming Santa, says Nevada, is like becoming Hamlet - it
requires serious dedication. At his innovative Santa School in Calgary,
people from all over the world plunk down $400 US for an intensive
weekend course in the festive arts. Aspiring Santa's learn how to
achieve a "Zen-like state of mind regarding heat," says Nevada, and how
to become experts on the season's latest toys so they can converse
knowledgeably with the kids. Nevada also suggests voice drills ("ho ho,
ho ho ho; hee hee, hee hee hee; ha ha, ha ha ha") and recommends
every Saint Nick read books like
Ivanhoe and Great Expectations practice
"flowery" Santa-esque vocabulary.
Nevada finds inspiration in unlikely sources.
Television evangelists, for example "know when to pause and how to
affect people." He has also borrowed a signature move from Hulk Hogan,
leaning to one side and gesticulating for people to yell. "I'm like
Liberace playing Santa," he says.
Nevada may be flashy, but he also believes Santa has an
important mission. "I try to spot children with low self-esteem, the
ones picked last for teams. For me, these children are easy to spot
because they're looking wistfully at you. You can tell they're used to
being rejected. A good Santa will hone in on them and make them the
centre of attention.
Nevada also plays sarcastic Santa or mature Santa's for
adult Christmas parties. He has been known to whip out a mickey of
alcohol and take a swig or pull out a pistol from his sack and hold you
up. He's even had party guests throwing around vibrators that people
bought as gag gifts.
Given the choice between Tim Allen in The Santa
Clause and Bi9lly Bob Thornton in Bad Santa,
Nevada is more intrigued by the latter, even though he points out that
Thornton's just a criminal playing Santa. "I'd love to see a movie where
Santa is a grouch and he's the real guy," he says. Nevada fears that our
increasingly politically correct society will force to become blander
and blanfder. He points to the fact that Santa has already had to give
up his pipe. What's next? "He's going to have to lose weight."]
HOW TO BE SANTA
TIPS FROM VICTOR NEVADA
Never ask children if they've been naughty or nice.
You're supposed to know.
Never promise children they will get what they ask for.
Make sure you liability insurance is paid up.
Never reach for or hold out a baby. Babies should always
be placed in your lap.
Don't let children straddle your leg. It's unsafe and it
looks awful in a picture.
Say "folks" instead of "parents" because of the large
number of broken homes.
Don't hang after an event and socialize.
Always ensure an adult is present when you're speaking
with a child.
Bodily hygiene is essential. Stay clean, and avoid foods
with onion or garlic.
Don't smoke or drink liquor while in costume.
Too many "ho ho's in a row are counterproductive.
Never force your character on non-believers.
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Mocha Sofa,
December, 2002 |
| Each year millions of
Canadian parents gather their little ones for the all-important
visit to Santa. After fidgeting in long lineups, kids are plunked
into the lap of a bearded stranger and expected to spill their
wish-list guts in 60 seconds or less, Is it any wonder so many break
down and cry? According to
Victor Nevada, owner and operator of Calgary's Santa School and
20-year Santa veteran, there are several things you can do to ensure
the experience is a positive one.
The following are Nevada's suggestions
for helping your child adjust to, and welcome the idea of, Santa.
1. Familiarize your child with Santa
Claus.
Young children, especially those under
the age of four, may be especially frightened by the idea of sitting
on the lap of a large, bearded stranger. You can minimize that fear
by preparing your child well before the visit. Read stories about
Santa and show your child pictures of Santa - preferably photos of
someone the child knows, sitting on Santa's lap.
If your little one is still
uncomfortable, sit on Santa's lap with your child. Very young
children probably won't even realize they're on Santa's lap and
toddlers may be comfortable enough with the situation to allow the
Santa photo opportunity without hysterics.
Even a favourite stuffed animal or
blanket might provide the security your child needs to muster the
courage to sit with Santa.
2. Checklist the basics before you get in
line.
All of the usual suspects might turn an
otherwise fun event into a nightmare, so make sure your child isn't
tired or hungry. Pack a small snack, just in case. Most importantly,
don't forget to hit the washrooms before you get in line.
3. Check out the offerings of different
malls.
Most shopping centres have downtimes when
the lineup to visit Santa isn't quite so overwhelming. If you have a
preschooler, take him to see Santa during the weekday, while older
kids are in school. This will afford both you and Santa more time to
make sure your child is comfortable. Take school-age children
midweek, instead of waiting for the weekend shopping rush.
If, despite your best efforts, your child
still screams when it's time to sit on Santa's knee, consider
waiting another year. Save your child - and yourself unnecessary
trauma and have yourselves a peaceful holiday season. |
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